Page 8 – Sweet Lemonade Life

Disengage | Surviving interaction with a narcissist

Thu, 27 Sep 2018 21:04:00 GMT

Why shouldn’t you engage with a narcissist? Whether it’s a spouse, co-worker or family member, dealing with a narcissist is incredibly toxic. Removing toxic people from your life completely is the best option but also not always possible. Limiting your exposure to them is the best advice I can give you. Here’s what I’ve learned about communicating with a narcissist and why you should never interact with one any more than absolutely necessary.

WINNING IS NECESSARY

They do not have a team mentality. Their team is me, myself and I. They must win. At all costs. Regardless of the pain caused to your or anyone else. Discussing a situation rationally is not something they are capable of… or at least choose not to participate in based on my experiences. Conversations with a narcissist are not productive.

CONTROL

The more out of control a narcissist feels themselves, the harder they will work to control you. The happier you are with your life, the harder they will work to control you, physically or emotionally. The more successful in life you are, the harder they will work to control you. The more independence you gain, the harder they will work to control you. The stronger the relationships you create with friends and family, the harder they will work to control you. Do you see a pattern? Take it as a compliment when you are targeted by someone with narcissistic qualities because they see something in you they desire. You are living and loving life well and they are miserable. Recognize it and protect yourself from falling into their traps.

Interaction with a narcissist can quickly spiral out of control. And that’s exactly what they want. Limit your interaction. The less you say, the fewer opportunities there are for them to try to take up some of your headspace.

Toxic people feel threatened by your strengths. They will attempt to undermine or control you by limiting your peace of mind, happiness or success.

WHAT QUESTION?

Most mature people can have conversations where one person asks a question and the other person answers the question. Narcissists do not like when others have any control… even if it’s as simple as controlling a conversation by asking a question. It’s even more difficult when the answer to your question if they answer honestly, will make them look bad. Most narcissists don’t have the capability to feel bad but they very much care about the way they appear to others on the exterior. They are good are creating a facade but unfortunately, their true feelings and motives do not match what they project.

We all make mistakes. We all make choices or react in a way that later on wish we would have handled differently. That’s human nature. But narcissists believe they can do no wrong. It’s always someone else’s problem or issue. Not theirs. And they will never answer anything that confirms dishonesty, immorality, or anything even as simple as acknowledging a mistake, that tarnishes their appearance. Narcissists methodically, through deception, craft a thin outer shell for the entire world to see that gives the appearance of being perfect. They do not want to provide any opportunities for that shell to crack. Because of that, they are excellent at evading the question and then turning the conversation in a completely different direction. They are skilled at deflecting and redirecting. If you’re not careful, you will find you’ve gone down a rabbit hole of an interrogation about YOU that is completely turned away from the initial, often innocent/insignificant question directed at THEM. Did you read the gaslighting article ? You should.

MANIPULATIVE

Remember that rabbit hole I mentioned? Well, narcissists are very good at manipulating. The second you start explaining yourself or your actions to a narcissist I wish red sirens and smoke alarms would start going off in your head. Don’t do it. This is what they want. You have given them words and thoughts to twist in a way that might make you question yourself. They might make you feel vindictive, untrustworthy or selfish. And let me tell you, they are excellent at it. If you allow their words to soak in, you will start second-guessing your actions and intentions. Certain questions should be answered. It’s the respectful thing to do. Specific items should be addressed. It’s the productive thing to do. Beyond that, they are not entitled to further discussion. You do not owe them anything. Do not give them that control.

Disengage. * sirens are sounding, red lights are spinning * You are feeling attacked. Disengage. They are calling you names. Disengage.

Perspective

A narcissist’s opinion of me was shared with me that questioned my character. That’s nothing new. This person also pointed out that others I care deeply about were in agreement with his opinion. Reading that crushed me… temporarily.

It was short-lived, only a few hours. Why? Because knowledge is power. That’s the beauty of learning more about the motives and personality traits of those around you. Are the words said in love? Are the words shared out of anger or jealousy? Are they wanting to control you… the way you think about yourself? Are they looking for ways to manipulate a situation?

That statement made to tear me down and ruin me emotionally provided an opportunity. It provided me with the courage to have an open and honest conversation with the other people that were mentioned. I was able to hear their true feelings… not the twisted version through the eyes of another person. I was able to express my true desires and wishes. I was able to walk them through specific situations, asking them questions and allowing them to come to their own conclusions. I want them to know how to decipher their feelings from the feelings of others that may get projected on them. I want them to know their thoughts matter. I want them to know their feelings matter. I want them to learn how to process their feelings and express them in a positive way. I want them to know they matter to me.

Perspective means seeing the bigger picture. “You cannot control or change the other person, but you can take control and impact change for yourself. Ask yourself what matters most in the situation. A narcissist is skilled at reeling you in, getting you into “their” world, their stories, and their perceptions. Try to see this as soon as you can and then step back to look at the bigger picture.” Psychology Today

The bigger picture for me is focusing on those that matter most. The bigger picture is finding the beauty each and every day. The bigger picture is ‘this too shall pass.’ The bigger picture is how I react and live will, in the long run, provide me greater rewards than anything earned here on Earth.

Perspective matters. It’s the whole glass-half-full/half-empty debate. It’s the same amount of milk but your perception is how you see it. How do you want to live? I choose to live seeing life positively. The words meant to hurt me provided me with an opportunity to nurture the relationships of those that matter most to me. Amazing how something so negative can create such a positive outcome. That’s life. There is always beauty in the storms. You just have to look for it.

Just because someone says something about you, it does not make it true. I know my character. I know my motives. I know my heart. And I know I’m loved by those that matter most. That’s all that matters.

XOXOXO,

Heather

The post Disengage | Surviving interaction with a narcissist first appeared on Sweet Lemonade Life .

Stop Believing the Bullies and Their Lies: Mental Abuse

Fri, 25 May 2018 23:09:00 GMT

All I can say is hallelujah for learning enough about myself through the assistance of a few great counselors and focusing on my Heavenly Father, that I no longer ‘own’ the words others say about me.

Words and actions attempting to put me down, trying to create self-doubt and confusion about my own character and worthiness are not sticking anymore. I am not only good enough, but I am perfect just the way I am. God says so. So bully, you can go find someone else to pick on because the days of me withering in a corner and feeling worthless because YOU believe I am… they are over.

Mental abuse is very real and it hurts. Pain is magnified when it’s someone closest to you, whether it be a parent, spouse, or best friend that belittles you. They are supposed to be your biggest cheerleader so if they think that about you it must be true, right? Wrong!

Are you struggling, feeling worthless and thinking it won’t ever get better? I’m promising you it will. Seek help. You will heal. It’s a process. It doesn’t happen overnight. I still have valleys of uncertainty but they are shorter and further in between.

And those peaks… they get bigger. You will believe in yourself again. You will feel alive again. You will find things that make you happy. And the mountains you used to think were impossible because someone else said you couldn’t do it…. my friend you will climb those and search for bigger mountains, chase bigger dreams.

You are worthy. Don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise.

The post Stop Believing the Bullies and Their Lies: Mental Abuse first appeared on Sweet Lemonade Life .

“I have a million people to do something with but I don’t have anybody to do nothing with.” Learning to be okay with this until God brings me the one to do nothing with.

Sat, 02 Sep 2017 15:59:00 GMT

“I have a million people to do something with. But I don’t have anybody to do nothing with. That’s what I miss most.”

Recently, I found a show on Netflix I’ve been binge watching and am nearing the end of season 3. It’s called Switched at Birth . Toby, a young man who got married right out of high school and is now divorced, made that statement to a gal and oh did that resonate with me.

“I have a million people to do something with. But I don’t have anybody to do nothing with. That’s what I miss most.”

Yes! That’s exactly it. Do you ever feel that way? It’s human nature to crave connection. I am blessed with numerous connections from strong family relationships to friendships that are genuine and loving. And yet, there is a piece of me that still gets sad from time to time wishing for…. the person to do nothing with. God designed us to want that, an unbreakable bond between you and your soul mate. And that’s absolutely ok. However, be careful not to focus too heavily on that or want it so badly you seek out someone for the wrong reasons.

I’ve been reading a book by Lysa Terkeurst which has had a lot of powerful stuff in it. I could quote her all night long. One of the things she says is “the more fully we invite God in, the less uninvited we feel by others.” It’s ok to crave a connection with that special someone here on Earth but we can’t expect that to fill the void that can only be completed by our Creator.

It drives home the point I have known and been trying for sometime…. the need to find my way back to God. Yes, I have always believed in God. Yes, I pray daily. It’s also true that my daily desire to make Him my priority, seek Him, need Him and rest with Him is lacking. The first couple years after my ex left me, I fell to my knees… incapable of making it through a day without God. I sought Him out ferociously and clung to Him like my life depended on it. Because it did. And in the midst of the toughest years, I had a sense of peace and a closeness with Him that I’d never experienced before. I want it back.

My prayer for you is whether you feel lonely or left out or uninvited, that you turn your attention to the only one who can erase your emptiness, sadness, or worries. Allow the holy spirit to fill you up! I find my truest joy when I am closest with Him!

XOXOXO,

Heather

The post “I have a million people to do something with but I don’t have anybody to do nothing with.” Learning to be okay with this until God brings me the one to do nothing with. first appeared on Sweet Lemonade Life .

Bullying- 13 Reasons Why, and what you can do about it!

Fri, 14 Apr 2017 07:36:00 GMT

Have you heard about the new Netflix series called 13 Reasons Why? It’s about a girl who was bullied at school and ultimately ended her life by slitting her wrists. Through the 13 episodes based on the book by Jay Asher, bullying, sexual assault, drugs, alcohol, suicide are all addressed. Forbes recently shared, 13 Reasons Why ’13 Reasons Why’ should be your next Netflix Binge. Throughout this blog anything in quotations came from the ’13 Reasons Why, Beyond the Reasons video found on Netflix.

“Suicide is the second leading cause of death among teenagers.” That is a shocking statistic. While some suicides occur due to mental illness, many (like the one in the show) stem from a domino effect of bullying, teasing, abusing, etc. We need to know the warning signs, treat them seriously, and seek help (counseling, medicine, treatment centers) for yourself or others struggling.
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As a society, we tend to shy away from these hard subjects but the creators of 13 Reasons Why has tackled it without apologies. The last couple episodes left me very uncomfortable and that was the writers intent. They want us to think. They want it to change us… the way we think and the way we act towards others.

“With social media, people are being attacked by so many hiding behind computer screens. And because bullying can be done online, there is no escape. Ever. Even home is no longer a safe space.” That’s a scary thing to realize that we as parents, as a society, have been enabling easy ways for the next generation to be bullied. They may be finding their self worth in ‘likes’ and comments instead of by their heart, grades, kindness, and most importantly by God’s truths about themselves.

“First and foremost, I think schools can be teaching more emotional education. I think we are severely lacking in that arena,” says Alexis Jones, founder of the I am That Girl and Protecther. I wish the f-bomb wasn’t thrown out in this show every other word. If the language was less colorful, I would encourage all high schools to show the entire series at schools as an opportunity to open up dialogue about these issues.

Dr. Rebecca Hedrick, Child Psychologist Cedars-Sinai Medical Center says, “It’s very common for young adults to not recognize their own emotions, to not be able to verbalize them, talk about them.”

Counseling seems to be so taboo to some. Embarrassing. Scary. Hard. Their pride takes a hit. I pray that the thoughts surrounding counseling continues to be viewed more positively by everyone. I have always been open with my friends, family and my own children about seeing a counselor myself for many years.

In the 13 reasons why bonus, they are discussing rape victims when sharing the following but I think it holds true for every survivor. Survivors of rape, physical abuse, emotional abuse, abuse of any kind. “It’s ok to talk about and not feel ashamed. I want survivors to know that it’s not your fault and it’s ok to talk about it. You need to build a good support system to be able to heal. The more often you tell your story, the more it loses power over you. I hope that people watching this show will be empowered to go to someone for help.”

The more often you tell your story, the more it loses power over you.

I think that’s one reason why I’m very open about my story. The pain, confusion, sadness, and every other emotion I’ve felt over the last few years loses power every time I share it. I share pieces of it on this blog, I share openly and in great detail with my family and closest friends. My counselor helps me understand how to process everything and continue to move forward with more knowledge about my situation and continue to grow from it.

A friend recently described counseling as a check up for your feelings. That is a fantastic analogy. “Communicating feelings can be difficult, especially for children whose minds often are not capable of sharing everything that’s going on in their mind. The thought of sharing feelings with their parents can create a lot of worry… ‘what will they think about me?’ ‘how will they react?'”

“Being a parent of a teenager is difficult. They are trying to establish independence. Sometimes while they would like help on some level they are also pushing it away. Many children would like help but don’t know how to ask for it.” That’s why I think it’s critical for children who have dealt with major life changes, stressful situations, bullying, abuse, etc to see a counselor. An adult that they can speak to freely without feeling like they will be judged. And I believe that every single person can benefit from counseling.

Recently, I asked my Facebook friends if they’d be willing to share if they or a family member had ever seen a counselor. Including private messages, I had 45 people respond.

20- an adult in their home has seen a counselor

21- both adults and kids in their home has seen a counselor

4- had never seen a counselor but a couple went on to say they agree with it and would go see a counselor if they needed it.

Over 90% of those who answered had seen a counselor themselves (or spouse or their child) at one time or another. So why are there still people that feel like speaking to a counselor should be ‘hidden’ from others? That it could ruin their reputation?

My children saw a counselor a few times shortly after their dad left me. However, it wasn’t a great fit. So I want to find a new counselor and have them all go again. All of them can benefit for different reasons but in the end, I’m confident it will improve all of their lives and my relationship with them as well.

I want them to have a non-family member adult they can trust. I want them to know how to talk about their feelings. I want them to have their own safe space. I want to have a counselor help me better understand their specific needs and desires so I can parent them each in the ways they need it most. Watching this series, only reinforces the value found in counseling… even long before you think there is a need for it.

My heart aches for all the kids that are hurting tonight because of the words or actions of others. It makes me wonder what words or actions of my own have caused hurt to those around me? We all can do better. We have to do better. Go watch 13 Reasons Why and it will give you a new perspective and maybe challenge you to approach tomorrow and those you interact with differently. Better.

The post Bullying- 13 Reasons Why, and what you can do about it! first appeared on Sweet Lemonade Life .

Choose Love, Not Fear- Learning to release the deep rooted fear that I don’t deserve love.

Sat, 25 Mar 2017 21:40:00 GMT

The past few years have provided me with lots of opportunities to learn, grow and move on to a better life. After my divorce became official about 18 months ago, I finally had the energy and mental space to focus on other things. Just one year ago, after returning from a life changing workshop in Mexico , I chose to chase my dream to run my Sweet Lemonade Photography business full time. I’ve learned so much about what it takes to run a successful business. It’s been such an exciting and freeing year for me. The confidence I’ve gained in myself, the joy that has been finding me again, and the sheer happiness for where I am in life has been wonderful.

And then something happened. I hit a snafu I wasn’t expecting. I guess I figured after the divorce was final, I assumed it would be ‘nothing but up from here on… forever.’ My mind knows that is not possible. There will always be peaks and valleys. That is life. I know I can’t keep getting a faster time in a mile run every single time. Well that makes it sound like I run a lot. I don’t. ha! I know I can’t always keep getting a new ‘highest sale ever’ for each Sweet Lemonade Photography session I have. And my mind also knows I can’t be on top of the world mentally and emotionally every single minute of every single day. But sometimes the heart doesn’t get that memo. Sometimes while all of this is perfectly normal and to be expected, my heart is quick to think I’ve failed.

I’ve been in a funk and I just couldn’t shake it without help which I talked about here . And the meds weren’t effective this time like they usually are. So I went back to my counselor, saw my doc again to discuss my meds and started reading a book called The Universe Has Your Back by Gabrielle Bernstein. My view when reading this book is God Has Your Back!

I’m only a few chapters in but the premise behind this book is similar to having Faith in God or Fear… you can’t have both at the same time. Gabrielle refers to it as choosing love over fear. “Whenever we align our thoughts with love, we can truly feel the presence of the Universe (God) behind us. As you begin to shift your perceptions out of fear, it’s important to get clear about the world you want to see. Many folks can get hung up about this concept because even though they are willing to surrender fear, a deep rooted feeling that they don’t deserve love remains.”

Stop. Read that last sentence again.

“Many folks can get hung up about this concept because even though they are willing to surrender fear, a deep rooted feeling that they don’t deserve love remains.”

“… a deep rooted feeling that they don’t deserve love remains .”

Guys. This is me.

Emotional abuse leaves permanent scars but, as with physical scars, thankfully in time they fade. They will always be there but they become less noticeable. I’ve done a lot of self exploration and have come to realize the issues that I thought were about me, never were. I was not worthless. I am not worthless! But when you’re told things that make you feel inferior, you begin to believe them. I must focus on God’s truths, God’s love, God’s desires for me. Oh that is powerful!

But my insecurities can, without warning bubble to the surface, in unexpected ways or moments, magnifying the remaining doubt about my own truths that I have to continually challenge. That is the devil trying to keep us from the full joy in life we deserve and the joy God wants us to have. I’ve given the enemy too much power by allowing him to see my fear and he’s been gaining ground lately. No more.

I deserve love but I was made to feel like I didn’t deserve it. I deserve happiness but actions were made toward me in the past to hinder that. I deserve to be confident but for most of my adult life, I felt worthless because of words by others. I deserve to be proud of my accomplishments in life but all of them were belittled and made me feel insignificant. Worthless.

Wounds take a while to heal. Sometimes when we think they’re healing we realize too late we missed a step. When we get a cut, the first thing we should do is clean it out so it doesn’t get infected, right? THEN apply a band-aid. Well, sometimes in our haste to move forward with life after being broken, we get so eager to heal that we slap a band-aid on it and ‘close it’. We don’t open up the wound to expose the mess inside, a critical step to assess the damage, before we bandage it. Once we see the damage we have to clean it. So I feel like recently, I’ve been infected. I did not fully clean my wound, my heart and soul, these past few years because it was confusing, exhausting, and painful. I was just eager to move on. I’ve discovered the step I missed and I’m ready to focus on it… flush the debris out. The great news is, with swift proper care and attention, infections go away and leave less of a permanent mark than if it went left untreated.

I deserve love. And I’m not referring to a man’s love. I deserve to love me. I deserve happiness. I deserve contentment. I deserve it all. God tells me so.

I am the dreamer of my dream and I am prepared to work on putting my focus back on love, letting fear take a backseat. This will be a lifelong process but getting back to love quicker each time I allow fear to creep in the more content I will be. My plan is to read, pray, journal, continue to work through the icky stuff in my past with my counselor, reflect on the negative feelings I have, acknowledge them but take away their power by reminding myself of the TRUTHS.

If you’re struggling, take comfort in knowing God loves you . And soon, you will be ready to rip the band-aid off to properly treat your wounds too. Get ready to dream again, my friend!

The post Choose Love, Not Fear- Learning to release the deep rooted fear that I don’t deserve love. first appeared on Sweet Lemonade Life .

Orange Krush Foundation, raises almost $3 million to date. Founding members recognized at Illini Game.

Sun, 05 Feb 2017 19:49:00 GMT

The post Orange Krush Foundation, raises almost $3 million to date. Founding members recognized at Illini Game. first appeared on Sweet Lemonade Life .

I need help. And it’s ok. Asking for help is a sign of strength.

Tue, 17 Jan 2017 19:45:00 GMT

Is anyone else stubborn? Or is it just me? ha!

After my third child was born, things chemically changed in me. It didn’t help that I had a husband that more often than not left for work before the kids woke up and came home after they went to bed, or if he was home he was rarely involved in their care. I had 3 babies under the age of 4 and I felt like a single mom. I loved my little humans with every ounce of my body and cared for them the best I could but I wasn’t feeling ‘right’. I fought it for a long time trying to will myself to get better, be happier, and get over it. I had no reason to be sad, right? I had three healthy boys and I had the privilege to stay home with them. What was wrong with me?

It was a lonely place to be. I started seeing a counselor who early on suggested depression meds. I wouldn’t take them. I didn’t need them. I talked about my feelings, my energy, my marriage. I read suggested books, added things like exercise as suggested but I refused to take pills.

I am strong. I had been doing so much by myself that I knew I could conquer this too without drugs.

Then one day, it hit me and I knew I needed help.

I remember reliving that exact moment when I met with my counselor the following week. I told him, “Last week, my kids were on the floor and I’m sitting on the couch watching them play. And I thought to myself, I should get down and play with them. I told myself again to get down there and play. But my body was unwilling to cooperate. I sat on the couch almost glued to it unable to do what I wanted to do. I wanted to play with my boys and I couldn’t get my body to move. I need help. I’m tired. And I’m ready to try the medicine.”

And I spent the rest of our hour sobbing. When I spoke the words, “I need help” the flood gates opened. I accepted what the doc knew years before. I needed help. And now I KNEW it. And I cried.

Tears of tiredness. I’ve fought for so long and I couldn’t fight this ‘alone’ any longer.

Tears of acceptance. I’m no longer in denial and willing to accept my situation and figure out the next step.

Tears of relief. I’ve asked for help and it was a relief to know I might start feeling more like myself again.

I was fortunate that it didn’t take trying multiple medicines to find one that worked for me. It was almost an immediate change that continued to improve as it takes several weeks for the meds to reach full effectiveness. I was so thankful I finally admitted I needed help.

Crisis Nursery’s motto, where I’ve volunteered the last 10 years or so (and even worked there for a bit), is “Asking for Help is a Sign of Strength”. I finally had the strength to ask for help… and it felt good. Speaking of Crisis Nursery, I never needed to use their services because I had such a wonderful local support of family and friends but my struggles with depression is one of the many reasons why Crisis Nursery has open doors 24/7. Whether you’re a mama who is about to lose it and needs a break from her kids, or there is a work related emergency and you have no one to watch your children, or maybe one of your kids has to go to the hospital and you need your other kids to have a safe, caring, loving, environment. These are all reasons ANYONE in Champaign County can call them and ask for help. Remember, it is a sign of strength to ask for help. It took me a while to accept that same truth. But when I did I was thankful.

I have never once felt like my depression put my kids in danger. I have never once felt like it was affecting my ability to care and nurture my children. I have no doubt that my boys know they are fiercely loved by me. But depression does affect my ability to react when they whine or fight. My fuse is short. And it does inhibit me from fully relishing the moments I have with them. And I’m not willing to allow that to continue. I love my boys too much to not be living a joy filled life and cherishing each experience to the fullest. I refuse to let depression take that away. I love these boys too much to allow that.

Fast forward 10 years, and I have tried many times to go without my medicines. I don’t like having to rely on a pill even though it’s obvious I need it. I often forget about taking the pill. It shouldn’t be that hard to remember to take it but I do. Maybe I ‘forget’ on purpose?! I don’t know. I still go through seasons where I struggle. It’s hard to admit it’s a lifelong thing for me.

Last fall when I got busy, I made excuses to stop exercising. That’s the worst thing I could do cause I get such a h igh from exercising . Aside from the medicine, exercise in the next best thing for my mood. Exercise alone can’t get me to my best mentally but it sure does help immensely. And at some point, I stopped taking my meds again. I’m noticing it’s a cyclical thing each year for me with my motivation, exercise and willingness to take meds. It’s not healthy to start and stop meds but it’s been my cycle. And I’ve hit the point again where I can’t do it. I can’t fake it anymore and pretend I can do it without my meds.

I’m working on a triple whammy to get up and running again…. exercise (started again several weeks ago), light therapy and my meds.

Took my first pill again today. I want my insides to match my outsides again. I’m tired of really fighting to find every ounce of energy to be the person I want to be… the person I know I am. At the end of the day, I’m exhausted. I don’t deserve to feel this way. I’m tired of standing in my own way. If I had cancer that required me to take chemo, I would do it. If I had high blood pressure, I would take those pills. Why do I stand in the way of my health and choose not to take these?

So today, I start again.

For those of you struggling…. I encourage you to ask what else could you be doing to feel better. Exercise? Healthier eating? Medicine? Taking “you” time? Prayer? Counseling? I encourage you to stop resisting. You don’t have to do it alone. There is help. You just need to be brave enough to ask.

Be brave! You deserve it… and those you love deserve the best you too.

XOXOXO,

Heather

Heather is the owner of Sweet Lemonade Photography and co-owner of Sweet Darling Weddings located in central Illinois (Mahomet). Life gave her a bunch of lemons (you can read a little more here ) and by keeping her focus on God, finding the positive in each day, and surrounding herself with supporting, loving and encouraging people she has turned those lemons into the sweetest lemonade. This blog has been created to share her heart, her adventures and find ways to bless others. You can contact her at heather@sweetlemonadelife.com.

The post I need help. And it’s ok. Asking for help is a sign of strength. first appeared on Sweet Lemonade Life .

I’m not good at this… for days when parenting is hard.

Thu, 12 Jan 2017 04:27:00 GMT

No need to even blog about my night on my blog because this blog nailed it. Tonight I let my emotions get the best of me and I didn’t handle my boys misbehaving as well as I should have. The actions of someone else outside of our home affected the length of my fuse with my boys at 8:30 pm. Tonight we ended the day in bed with tears. Apologies to my boys for not always getting it right, misplacing my feelings and them occasionally getting caught in the middle of something that has nothing to do with them. We all have moments we aren’t proud of but we keep showing up and we keep trying. They got an apology from me. I asked for forgiveness. Then we ended our day with prayers, and an I Love You. Life is hard. Parenting is hard. Tomorrow, I try again. The beauty of every tomorrow is a new chance to be better than today.

Check out this awesome blog post from Wonder Oak. She summed up my feelings so eloquently.

“Dear kids,

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I see that you’ve grown over night. Your face is more defined, your eyes look older. A part of me is excited and in awe; I know you have so much ahead of you. Another part is scared because time is racing and I can’t slow it down. I’m afraid that I haven’t always been awake and noticing, and that somehow I have slept through the magic of your growing. I wonder, have I enjoyed you enough? Have I given you what you needed? Is your heart still whole? Is your spirit unbroken?

I’m not always good at this. I’m not always as good as I want to be at being your mom. I want to be great; and sometimes I am, but sometimes I’m not.

Sometimes I get it, and sometimes I don’t.

Sometimes I do it right, and sometimes I completely miss it.

Everyday I make mistakes.

Sometimes I snap when I should be sensitive. Sometimes I lecture and give chores when what you needed was a hug. Sometimes I completely and utterly miss it. I know that I do. I mistake your pain for complaining or your sad heart for a bad attitude. I watch myself miss it, and later I grieve that I didn’t respond differently.

I miss it when I am tired, and you get my leftovers at the end of a long day. I wish that you didn’t, but sometimes you do.

I miss it when I am scared. I am scared of big things and little things. I really thought adults had it all figured out, but I am one now, and it turns out we don’t. Sometimes fear snatches my heart and I can’t seem to think of anything else. I forget to relax and to enjoy you. I forget to smile and to laugh. I’m working on that.

I miss it when I am lost. I’m struggling with my own demons and it has nothing to do with you. Sometimes it’s anxiety or it’s depression, but it’s never, ever your fault. I will keep striving for wholeness so that when you reach those obstacles I can help you do the same.

I know that it is easy to hang on to the negative things and forget all the positive, but I want to set the record straight. When I look at you I am SO. PROUD. When I look at you I see good. I see someone who is mighty. I wonder how I have been trusted with such a treasure. Your heart is pure and soft. You are gentle and kind, you are vivacious and fierce.

I am forever your biggest cheerleader and your greatest fan.

Please keep helping me to see you and to know you. Keep telling me when I hurt your feelings. Keep sharing with me your fears and your insecurities and we will figure it out together.

I’m okay with making mistakes, but I’m never okay with losing your heart. Your heart is was matters to me.

I hope that my weakness teaches you something. I hope that when you come upon your own brokenness, tiredness, fear, and confusion, that you will be okay with it. I pray that your imperfections won’t scare you as they have me. I pray that you won’t run from them, but that you’ll wrestle with them and you will keep showing up, saying sorry, and trying again.

We don’t always get it right and that’s okay.

We are all professional mistake makers, and you will make lots and lots of mistakes. You will make countless amounts of mistakes, just like I have, but not one could darken the light I see when I look at you. You are my treasure, you are my reason.

Even though life is racing by, sometimes we have a moment. Sometimes we can reach out, grab time, and hold it. The world stops, all is quiet, and we really see each other. In this moment when I glimpse the person you are and who you’re becoming, all I can think is…

Wow.

On this morning, where it seems you’ve grown overnight, I want to tell you that you are wonderful. You amaze me everyday – and as I watch you, you inspire me. You inspire me to pull out the greatness that’s inside me. In this family we will make mistakes, but we will keep doing it together and we will keep holding each other other tight.

It turns out I’m never, ever, going to be perfect, but I am always and forever yours, and I’m always and forever on your team. That I can promise you.

I love you.

Love,

Mama”

That was so beautifully written by Wonder Oak. Check out her page for more inspirational posts .

I just followed her Facebook page . Feel free to do the same.

May you all just keep showing up, keep trying and I pray my boys will always remember these powerful thoughts when I’m not good at this.

XOXOXO,

Heather

The post I’m not good at this… for days when parenting is hard. first appeared on Sweet Lemonade Life .

Christmas Ornaments with Meaning

Sat, 31 Dec 2016 23:10:00 GMT

As I put away the ornaments while the boys are at their dad’s and I can’t help but smile. Each boy has their own tree that they decorate each year with their own special ornaments. Every year since the boys celebrated their first Christmas, my mom has purchased the boys special ornaments that signify something they were involved in/loved/did that year. Their ornaments range from baby’s first Christmas to Elmo and Bob the Builder, to a boy with a broken arm, BMX riding, XBox remote, baking ornaments and more.

The boys all enjoy looking at the ornaments this year but the excitement, thankfulness and sincere fondness to go down memory lane John has makes me love this tradition even more. Last year, I shared about the grace and love John showed me when one of his favorite ornaments broke. You can read about that here.

So as I put the ornaments in bubble wrap to store away until next year, I can’t help but smile reading notes written by my mom to my boys like this one on the back of a jukebox ornament.

Memories matter. Family matters. My mom reminds us daily that we matter. I love my mama. I love my boys. I pray you all found moments like this with your loved ones during the holidays and continue to do so in 2017.

XOXOXO,

Heather

The post Christmas Ornaments with Meaning first appeared on Sweet Lemonade Life .

Be the good and see the good! There are always angels among us and was so thankful for all of ours earlier this week.

Sun, 25 Dec 2016 06:52:00 GMT

When it rains it pours….

4 Emergency Room visits in 7 days for my middle boy last month for allergy related issues

Inspection to check for mold in our home

Expense to clean HVAC system in our house

$50 ticket for expired license plate sticker given at the Schaumburg mall on my birthday. grrrr

$400 plane tickets forfeited (high school finals were making it tricky and then also ended up with a puker the morning we were supposed to fly out last Friday). The trip was my boys’ big Christmas present. We were going to visit my ex’s sister and her family so we were all disappointed that didn’t work out.

The money was flying fast and all the above expenses were ‘no fun’ and we had ‘nothing to show for it’ so it hurt even worse.

Then my neighbor told me about a deal up at the Dells and spontaneously (no surprise there for those that know me) decided I’d spend another $200 to still make some great memories with my boys. We booked a 2 bedroom suite at Kalahari Waterpark in Wisconsin Dells for the night and invited friends to join us. Best part is the room rate also included waterpark and amusement park passes (both indoor), as well as 8 games of bowling and a few other discounts for only $209. What?!?! All that fun for 2 full days for that price. Because the rooms are non-refundable within 72 hours of your stay, I held off on booking the room until the night before we were leaving to make sure everyone was still healthy. Smart thinking, right? Eager to get going, we planned to leave at 7 am. I walked out to start the car to see my air suspension completely gave out overnight. I was devastated. Now, another $200 down the drain and disappointed kids. I wasn’t going to go out of state with my kids and their friends with that issue. So I was frantically looking for someone to buy the room off of me so I wasn’t out that money.

Here’s where it gets good…

I was a complete mess and in tears. Tears of frustration for another looming expense, tears of sadness that our plans were screwed up, anger that I’m losing even more money and just tears of feeling sorry for myself.

I posted this on my Facebook page….

My hope was just get someone to use the room so I wasn’t out another $200.

Do you see what happened? I don’t believe this was any accident. My frustrations of feeling like everything was falling apart had a silver lining. Since my divorce, I have enjoyed proving to myself that I don’t need a man. I don’t need anyone else. “I can do it mine self”. That was a popular phrase my parents heard when I was growing up cause I could do it all “mine self”. ha! In our marriage, my happiness nearly disappeared and my confidence to do anything was in the tank. For years I started to believe I was never good enough. So it feels great to accomplish so much by “mine self”. So the past few years, I’ve prided myself in not needing anyone. I have asked for help at times when I knew I needed it and did so unapologetically but most of the time, if I could just figure out a way to do it, I would. It fills me with pride to do things that I didn’t think I could do, so I’ve enjoyed the challenges.

The last few months I’ve struggled. I can’t pin point my feelings or even explain why but it’s just been harder for my heart lately. But this. The van. This day. Ugh. When we walked out in the early morning and saw the back end of my vehicle dropped so low, I just cried. Cried cause our plans were ruined. Little did I know God had other plans. God wanted me to slow down, to remind me that I am very loved… loved by Him and loved by many others.

I have to be honest and say I was a little worried about taking anyone up on their offer. Part of me was worried that God wanted us to stay home and I was ‘cheating’ by offering the help. I was worried going was a big mistake. First the trip to Colorado was canceled and 3 days later, a broken down vehicle was canceling this trip too. I relayed my fears to the woman who was the first to offer a vehicle to me and her response was,

“I’m happy to help. My husband and I have been praying and looking for a way to help someone in need this Christmas. You my dear, are an answer to our prayers. God. Is. Good.”

What I was reminded through all of this is 1) God loves me 2) I have many FB friends who are detail oriented and read the one little line that explained why we weren’t going 3) I know a lot of amazing people 4) there is still so much good in the world and 5) it felt good to have others share how they feel I am part of the good in the world.

So if you’re still reading this, I challenge you to be the good in the world AND take the time to tell others how you believe they are being the good in the world.

In a world with so much hate and uncertainty, the change happens locally… in our town, in our backyard, in our own homes. Share love. Share kindness. Share you. Change starts with us, our actions and our words, and the words of others certainly can change us too!

XOXOXO,

Heather

The post Be the good and see the good! There are always angels among us and was so thankful for all of ours earlier this week. first appeared on Sweet Lemonade Life .